The concept of Adaptability is acceptance and recognition that change will occur, and that methodologies should be in place help address the stress of change before The Ugly effects of negativity and humiliation cause irreparable damage to a couple's relationship.

In evaluating the long-term potential of a relationship, your adaptability and that of your prospective partner must be analyzed. To do this, we review the underlying concepts, then objectively examine both our perceptions and level of maturity.

The Rigidity of Traditional Roles Doom Marriages

The simplicity and rigidity of the Traditional Relationship Model is doomed to failure in the modern world. The harsh but inescapable conclusion is:

The Traditional Model (Stability) for relationships and marriage cannot succeed although the goals underlying the societal reasons for marriage are still highly valued.

The basis for the rigid and simplistic nature of the Traditional Model is its premise that the needs, desires and wants of men and woman do not significantly change over historic time. This fallacy is the root cause of the failure of the Traditional Model.

The Technology Multiplier Effect

Although it is widely recognized today that "things will change" is and should be a consistent expectation that was not the case historically. The cause of change has existed for thousands of years, but only recently become perceptible.

This phenomenon called the Technology Multiplier Effect, as coined by Paul Pilzer, states that the level of economic activity is determined by multiplying the production capability by the level of technology. As the level of technology builds upon itself, the efficiency of the system increases, the level of technology in use increases, and the rate of change in the level of technology increases.

When the level of technology is low, it takes lifetimes for changes in technology to come into use and alter the means of production. Over many, many generations however, those changes build upon themselves and rather than the change taking place in 500 years, the changes takes place in 450 years, 400 years, 300 years, 150 years, 75 years, and 30 years. Once the level of technology increases to less than 25 years, it starts to become perceptible by those living during the changes. It was somewhere in the mid 1900's that the level of technology in the United States increased to the level that it was perceptible within a single generation.

The technology Multiplier Effect has not only altered our economic view, but has had an equally powerful social impact on our expectations and acceptance of change in all areas of our lives. A review of the advantages and disadvantages of the Traditional Relationship Model clearly shows the relationship between the causes for transition and economic change, technology change in the methods of birth control and the value of women's work effort as part of the Gross Domestic Product.

The effect of this change has been the emergence of the Transitional Relationship Model, and its corresponding increase in divorce rates as it lacks both the clarity and adaptability premises in our Relational Relationship Model.

As changes affect either or both partners, their relationship can change in two significant ways:

1. The Equity if the relationship is altered as a result of Bad Changes; and/or
2. The Relational PositioningTM of the parties changes.

Depending upon their Mutual Level of Commitment, either of these factors will cause the end of the relationship or marriage.

For the relationship to survive, either no relative internal changes can occur, the premise of the Traditional Model, or each party must be willing and able to adapt to both Bad Changes and changes in Relational PositioningTM.

Misguided Expectations

As discussed in Equity, a false balance is created in the relationship equilibrium from misguided expectations. Without actual change, they alter the Equity of the relationship upon the misguided party's recognition of the true characteristic. Such misguided expectations create a feeling of loss, disappointment and unfairness in the misguided party. This causes great turmoil since in reality, nothing has changed and the other party is at a loss to understand the sudden and seemingly unprovoked "change in heart".

At this juncture, we merely seek to realistically and objectively evaluate the expectations of the parties without judging whether it means the relationship is doomed or certain to succeed.

The following are generalizations, are not applicable in every case, but suggest for your guidance, frequently encountered, typical gender based misguided expectations that undermine the development of strong, long-term, deeply committed relationships.

We cannot address adaptability, unless we are clear on each parties perceptions. Try to objectively evaluate both yourself and your partner to see if either or both of you suffer under these typical misguided expectations.

1. Intimacy Pitfalls - Generally woman, once they have become intimate, want to believe that fantastic sex with a partner means you are in love and meant for each other. For women, this is typically coupled with the Love Dilemma since women tend to become "emotionally connected" before becoming intimate.
2. Love Does Not Conquer All - Both men and woman are misguided by the myths of romanticism of the Traditional Relationship Model. Myths like "Love conquers all obstacles", "soul mates", "love at first sight", or "perfection" in a mate are all part of the romantic illusion of the Traditional Relationship Model.
3. The Love Dilemma - Women typically fall prey to the Love Dilemma. After becoming emotionally connected, they tend to minimize signs of incompatibility and assume they can "change him" rather than end the "pretty good relationship".
4. The Potential Equity Trap - Women in particular, tend to adhere to the goals and roles of the Traditional Model when evaluating the Equity of the relationship and fall prey to the Potential Equity Trap. This occurs both at the inception and development of the relationship, and when faced with a non-communicative or emotionally detached mate. By looking at their mate's "potential", by "believing in what he could do" or "If I love him enough he will change", are all misperceptions of equity contributions as they are based upon their partner's potential rather than what he is actually contributing to the relationship right now.
5. Entitlement Mentality - Men commonly are burdened with an Entitlement Mentality as a result of failing to adjust to the Transitional Relationship Model, and women are the primary initiators of divorce because of the lack of synchronicity between the sexes in the transition from the Traditional to the Transitional model.

   While the Woman's Movement has helped both men and women understand and accept the emerging change of women as "Independent", there is no unified vision of the Men's Movement.

   The affects of the "Entitlement Mentality" are primarily felt by men as they have benefited the least from the decline of the Traditional Model, i.e. the transition has empowered woman and emasculated men. The vacuum of leadership, vision and motivation, leads them to follow the life script of their traditional role.

   In other words, men simply follow the traditional script of being a monogamous, bread winner. They then feel they have done "their duty" and do not need to address "her" issues about "emotional connection" and "feelings". As discussed in the cavemen and cavewomen sections, this results in an unsatisfying relationship for both parties, and since "All Change if For The Worse" it will result in divorce upon significant Bad Changes.

   The feeling of entitlement in not solely a male issue, as it applies to anyone who has followed their gender based role in the traditional model. Consequently, people are socially programmed to feel entitled to the benefits of their roles, as long as they followed their life script in the Traditional Model they believe they are entitled not to get divorced as long as they have complied with the rigid duties of their life script in the Traditional Relationship Model.

   This feeling of entitlement and the resulting anger and feelings of betrayal from the deprivation of a claim in right, is constantly expressed by men and woman in divorce:

   • Typical Male Expectation: "How can you leave me when I have always been faithful and have worked so hard supporting you and the children"
   • Any Rationalization containing any of the following:
     • What does happiness have to do with?
     • Grin and bear it
     • Do it for the children's sake
     • Wifely duty
     • I have no choice

For each of the foregoing misperceptions, objectively construct a list of each characteristic that you and your prospective mate exhibit.

This list is needed to help create Structured EquilibriumTM or to work on Relational PositioningTM. The existence of any of these is typical and normal and is not evidence of a doomed relationship. You are simply collecting information to help improve our lives.

Components of Relationship Adaptability

Consistent with the theory of RelationalismTM, Relationship Adaptability is based upon a combination of the characteristics of each person in the relationship, and the relationship that each set of characteristics has with the other.

The three components of Relationship Adaptability are:

1. Level and Depth of Commitment to the Relationship - The Commitment component has been discussed. In summary, this is defined by each party's level of commitment and is therefore a property of the relationship.
2. Maturity Role and Relational Positioning^TM - The Maturity of each party on the Continuum of Maturity has been discussed. Each party's Maturity Role is examined in order to ascertain the Relational PositioningTM of each part to the other. This is also a property of the relationship.
3. Personal Responsibility - This component is a property of the relationship, but is also primarily a personality characteristic. The measure of personal responsibility each party is willing to assume, is a critical determinate in the level of adaptability of the relationship. This component is discussed here as it is the essence of adaptability.

Personal Responsibility

Most people, when looking at their "obligations" in a long term relationship or marriage, will instinctively rely upon the clear but rigid guidelines provided by the Traditional Relationship Model.

As we have discussed above, the Traditional Relationship Model is premised upon the belief that "...the needs, desires and wants of men and woman do not significantly change over historic time."

Consequently, fertile ground is provided for the development of the Entitlement Mentality.

This has resulted in a society where people are unable and indignantly unwilling to make the personal changes that personal responsibility demands. Being less personally responsible means people are less able to adapt to the inevitable changes that occur in long-term relationships.

A party's Personal Responsibility in these two areas determines this component of Relationship Adaptability:

1. Personal Responsibility for Your Own Happiness
2. Personal Responsibility for the Changes You Cause in the Relationship

Personal Responsibility for Your Own Happiness

A superficial examination of this first area would probably lead one to quickly agree and assume that we should:

"Do That Which Makes Us Feel Good"

However, that which makes us feel good may not actually lead us to happiness.

This is due to the fact that our "feelings" and "beliefs" are affected by our sub-conscious paradigm. Not only does this affect the question Why Love? to begin with, it also affects our neuro-associative responses to everything that happens to us and around us.

This effect is most obvious as the cause of the Love Dilemma. In fact, all of the Misguided Expectations and misperceptions that typically afflict people in relationships are a direct result of the effect of their sub-conscious influencing each decision about how to act and react.

Personal Responsibility for your own happiness requires that:

A Person must Strip Their Paradigm of Misguided Expectations and Misperceptions, and Muster the Courage to Confront the Pain that Doing the Responsible Act Demands

Simply put, if you discover that you have a "Pretty Good Relationship", but it honestly has no long-term viability, you must assume the responsibility to end the relationship as soon as possible.

This act is painful, but your long-term happiness is not promoted by avoiding the short-term pain of ending a dead end relationship quickly.

Personal Responsibility Requires Courage

However, you should gain strength from the knowledge that:

The Courage to Confront Your Fears Sets You Free!

The willingness of you and your partner to do this is a critical measure of the level of adaptability of your relationship. It is also a measure of the relationship's stamina to withstand the stress of significant Bad Changes and changes in Relational PositioningTM.

Personal Responsibility for the Changes You Cause in the Relationship

The second area of personal responsibility is similar to the first in many ways, except that rather than having the focus on your responsibility to yourself, this area focuses upon your responsibility to your partner.

It is the equivalent in law of taking responsibility for the injury that your negligence causes others.

This area of personal responsibility is for the intentional or unintentional acts or omissions that have the effect of causing Bad Changes or a change in Relational PositioningTM.

Both men and women equally share responsibility for relationship failure, as both sexes do not assume responsibility for the Bad Changes they cause. The resulting change in the equilibrium of the relationship and the Relational Positioning of the parties to each other in the relationship, together with the lack of knowledge and skill to maintain Structured Equilibrium ultimately results in dissolution of the relationship and divorce.

The list of Bad Changes serves merely as an outline, because responsibility for the changes you cause will be different in every relationship since the Equity that constitutes the foundation of each relationship is as different as each individual.

However, by studying and understanding this area of the Personal Responsibility concept, you can evaluate the present level of personal responsibility for change that both you and your prospective partner are contributing to the relationship.

This measure together with responsibility for your happiness, are critical to ascertaining the level of adaptability of your relationship and Its' ability to withstand the stress of change.

Workshops and Self-help

To assist you we provide workshops and nominally priced workbooks to help you and your relationship. For more information visit the Workshops link in the Pre-Marital section of our web site, and the Reconciliation Services & Help link in the Reconciliation section of our web site.