Continuum of Maturity

The primary causes for divorce or long term relationship break-up are either significant:

1. Bad Changes that upset the Equity equilibrium of the relationship; or
2. Change in the Relational PositioningTM of the couple.

The Relational PositioningTM of the couple is determined by each partner's respective Maturity Role as defined by the Continuum of Maturity.

The phrase "Continuum of Maturity" was coined by Dr. Steven Covey (7 Habits) to describe a person' s ability to interact with other people and achieve solutions to problems.

Building on that foundation, those same principles are incorporated in our focus on how maturity roles assumed by each party in a relationship affects their Relational PositioningTM. Each of these roles is discussed below.

In summary, the Continuum of Maturity begins with the "Dependant", such as a child, then moves to the gradually higher level of an "Independent", and culminates with the highest level, that of the "Inter-dependant".

Every person falls somewhere within the continuum. The reference to "lower" and "higher" levels of maturity is not judgmental. The description is to the level of complexity and difficulty encountered in maintaining that particular "Role" within the continuum.

Further, one should not assume that it is "better" to be "Independent" than "Dependant." It should be merely evaluated for what "is", without considering either the consequences for the relationship or the Potential (Potential Equity Trap) of the person.

Finally, our "Maturity Roles" can be one way with one person, say an employer, and another way with our relationship partner. This is very common and tends to add to the confusion one encounters in objectively attempting to evaluate the "Maturity Role" a person assumes in a particular relationship, or group of relationships.

When one or both parties to the relationship, assumes different roles, in different relationships, a secondary dynamic is created that influences both that person's desired role, and their partner's "perception" of the person's maturity role in their relationship.

Suffice it to say, the impact of "Relational ThoughtTM" molds our paradigm and defines our neuro associative responses (Why Love?) making this a very difficult undertaking.

The Dependant Role

A person that assumes the Dependant Role in a relationship can be identified by the use of the pronouns "you" and "they".

The Dependant believes that their life is controlled by other people and assumes no personal responsibility for their life situations. Statements like "You did this to me!" or "They won't let me!" are typical of a person assuming the Dependant Role.

In the Traditional Relationship Model, it is self-evident that the wife assumed the "Dependant Role" in the relationship with her husband. However, even in a Victorian era marriage, that same wife may have assumed the "Independent Role" in her relationship with household servants.

The rigidity of the Traditional Relationship Model however, suppressed her ability to change her maturity role in the marital relationship and produced a stable but most likely unhappy marriage.

It should be noted however, that one may assume the "Dependant Role", and be perfectly content, satisfied and fulfilled in that relationship. If the Equity is there, who is to say that a person's desire to assume one role or another is "good or bad"? Although the relationship is significantly defenseless to Bad Changes, it is within the purview of each individual to define happiness for themselves and decide for him or herself, what level of work they want to invest into their life and their relationships.

The Independant Role

A person that assumes the Independent Role in a relationship can be identified by the use of the pronoun "I".

The Independent believes that they control and are responsible for their life situations. Statements like "I did this!" or "I can do it!" are typical of a person assuming the Independent Role.

In the Transitional Relationship Model, the husband typically retains the "Independent Role" customarily recognized in the Traditional Relationship Model. The wife on the other hand, either initially assumed the "Dependant Role" in the relationship with her husband and is migrating toward the "Independent Role", or in the case of most second marriages, she enters the relationship in the "Independent Role".

The high rate of divorce in the Transitional Relationship Model may be attributed to the stress caused by the change in the Relational PositioningTM caused when the wife initially assumed (or was perceived by the prospective husband as assuming) the "Dependant Role" in the relationship and is migrating toward the "Independent Role".

The phenomena of women giving up on dating and giving up seeking a subsequent marriage partner in the Transitional Relationship Model are attributed to the anxiety of men, that have typically adopted the Entitlement Mentality pervasive in their role in the Traditional Relationship Model. She will find few men willing to "tolerate" the attention required to address "her needs" as a Cavewoman, and she will therefore either:

1. Compromise her principles resulting in resentment from the lack of Equity in the relationship
2. Abandon the search

Years later, they say to themselves:

Unlike the situation where the Relational PositioningTM of the parties changes over time as the wife migrates from "Dependant" to "Independent", in this situation there is no change: both parties began and remain "Independent". Their commitment level remains unchanged, Relative to their Relational PositioningTM", however, the Equity of the relationship is heavily invested in Compatibility

Rather than some cataclysmic confrontation or horrific Bad Change, the Commitment to the relationship is stressed as each pursues their independent life course. The danger here is than even a minor stress in Compatibility or Direction has the effect of significant change in equilibrium and therefore, the Equity of the relationship. Structured Equilibrium may be effective in the short term to address compatibility stresses as they arise.

However, the relationship is always potentially on the brink of ending because one or both of the parties cannot or will not change their relationship commitment to Regardless of their Relational PositioningTM

The reasons for this are deeply vested neuro associative responses (Why Love?) within each party's paradigm. These sub-conscious beliefs, hold them back from the role of "Inter-dependant", and the ability to make a relationship commitment to Regardless of their Relational PositioningTM. Typically, these paradigms are based upon deeply rooted fears of relationship pain if the control of "Independence" is released to the relationship.

The Inter-Dependant Role

A person that assumes the "Inter-dependent Role" in a relationship can be identified by the use of the pronoun "we".

The Inter-dependent believes that they control and are responsible for their life situations, but they are unable to achieve a greater relationship or a higher good without the cooperation and assistance of one or more other people.

Statements like "We did this!" or "We can do it!" are typical of a person assuming the "Inter-dependent Role".

The New Relationship Model (Marriage) is based upon the concepts of:

1. Relationalism^TM - Contextual information is as important or more important than the information itself, and;
2. Relational Thought^TM - Things can only be understood in the context of their relationship to other things.

The proposal that the ideal for Marriage is based upon the Relational Relationship Model, includes an assumption that in order to embrace a commitment Regardless of their Relational PositioningTM, both parties must assume an "Inter-dependant Role" in that relationship.

Feelings of betrayal, lack of commitment, misrepresentation, inequity, resentment, rejection, humiliation and so forth, all contribute to the sub-conscious formation of a person's paradigm: their neuro-associative responses and beliefs.

Typically, people who have been injured in past relationships can evolve only to the level of the "Independent Role", since they fear, and in many cases rightly so, that they risk being injured if they surrender some "control" to the relationship

This is a misperception, for an "Inter-dependant" never loses control. They voluntarily submit themselves to a commitment to a relationship that requires that their "personal preferences" are secondary to the "needs of the relationship".

The ability of the Inter-dependant, to happily and enthusiastically subordinate their "personal preferences" to the "needs of the relationship" are critical to:

1. Utilize Structured Equilibrium to address Equity imbalances;
2. Make a commitment Regardless of their Relational Positioning^TM

The "Inter-dependent" recognizes the difference in importance between "preferences" and needs".

Preferences are personal choices of likes that if denied, have no significant impact on our lives. Needs are things that significantly impact our lives if denied to us. So "food" is a need, "chocolate ice cream" is a "preference".

The "needs" of the relationship are defined by the terms of each parties Equity position in that relationship and by the Mutuality of Commitment.

Each party derives their "needs" and "preferences" from the relationship as part of the Equity of the deal. Items that are "deal breakers" are that party's "needs", while the balance of the Equity of the relationship is vested in their "preferences".

Each person defines their own "deal breakers" or needs. They may be any parts of any of the 5 keys to Lasting Relationships. We each define our happiness by the way we define our needs and preferences.

For example, a person may have a need in "Chemistry" by way of a certain type of physical attraction in their partner.

There is no morality or fairness to this need. It cannot be judged or disputed. It is not "right" or "wrong". If the partner cannot fulfill this need, the relationship is seriously impaired and unlikely to succeed. Trying to become that which you are not is likely to be futile and humiliating.

Preferences on the other hand help balance the Equity load. A person may have a certain preference about something, but if they more of something else, its still acceptable.

A skillful Inter-dependant, narrows down their needs, and fills their relationship basket with preferences, providing adaptability for the relationship, and happiness as a result of a more flexible definition of satisfaction.

Maturity and Relational Positioning^TM

Once you determine the level of maturity for each partner in the relationship, it becomes possible to determine the current Relational PositioningTM of that relationship.

If your inquiry is retrospective, then you should also determine each partner's level of maturity at the inception of the relationship to determine the relationship's initial Relational PositioningTM.

In the Reconciliation section of our website, under the topic Reconciliation Services & Help, we provide workshops as well as nominally priced self-help work books to help you improve upon, adapt to or save your relationship or marriage.

If your inquiry is prospective, then you should determine the Relational PositioningTM that you need to continue in the relationship so that you can evaluate how much and to what degree each party must change.

In the Pre-Marital section of our website, under the topic Workshops, we provide workshops as well as nominally priced self-help work books to help you improve upon your relationship, evaluate the marriage viability of the relationship or move on and avoid the deeper pain from not ending a "Pretty Good Relationship".