The Secret to Long Term Relationships
Have you ever noticed couples that appear in the local section of the newspaper who have been married for 65 years all have one thing in common?
They typically read something like this:
John and Mary Smith Celebrate 65th Wedding Anniversary - John was a high school teacher upon his marriage to Mary at age 21 in 1938. Mary completed college and obtained her teaching certificate, but remained a homemaker, raising their 4 children. After his retirement in 1982, they opened a bi-lingual training center in their home that provided day care to single mothers being tutored by John to obtain their GED and English language fluency...
As you may have guessed, the secret to long-term marriage is Relational PositioningTM that never changes.
Since these marriages were created before World War II, there was virtually no opportunity for the effect of free choice to alter the Traditional Model. Similarly, to see examples of a 65 year marriage that were created in the mid 1970's during the beginning of the Transitional Model (dual Independents), we would have to wait until 2040 for examples. If we assume that the New Relationship Model arises in the beginning of the 21st century, then we could not see examples of a 65 year marriage until 2065.
Consequently, all examples of 65 year marriages today are based on the Traditional Model with the husband in the Maturity Role of Independent and the wife in the Maturity Role of Dependant.
Although the careers of the partners may have changed, and many other circumstances may have changed two keys are certain to be found:
- No Change in the Relational PositioningTM of the parties
- No other significant Bad Changes that dramatically altered the Equity of the relationship.
The effect of Bad Changes, in most situations, is to cause a shift in the equilibrium so severe that the Relational PositioningTM actually changes as well.
For example:
Assume John and Mary Smith, but at age 57, John is afflicted by a disease that affects his memory. He loses his job because of poor performance as he is not diagnosed with a disability.
Due to his age and termination for cause, he cannot find work as a teacher and refuses to look outside his life-long field. Mary must now take over the role of bread winner.
John becomes sullen, depressed and humiliated. He is no long the bread winner or the decision maker. His definition of himself is now lost. He refuses to do the "demeaning" chores of housework because it furthers his humiliation.
Mary becomes tired, angry and eventually resentful as she is doing all the work. It is no longer a fair deal to her.
John is so depressed, he does not care about life itself so Mary's protestations are not ignored, but simply cannot be heard by John.
This example shows not only the effect of significant change upon equilibrium and the Equity of the relationship, but also how such changes can alter the fundamental Relational PositioningTM of the parties.
Saving a Marriage Afflicted by Changes in Relational PositioningTM
While Structured Equilibrium can restore the Equity to the relationship after a Bad Change, changes in Relational PositioningTM can almost never be corrected and typically result in divorce.
The primary cause for the devastation caused by a change in Relational PositioningTM is the increasing degree of humiliation caused to each party by both the change in Relational PositioningTM and by The Ugly spiral of negativity that naturally results as part of our sub-conscious defense. (Why Love?)
If the parties to a marriage or relationship, deeply and mutually have committed to the relationship, regardless of Relational PositioningTM, then it is possible through guided mediation (reconciliation Services), to help the couple accept the Equity Revisited and to re-define and accept their new Relational PositioningTM.
Our reconciliation Services include guided mediation, and work shops on Commitment Regardless of relational PositioningTM and avoiding The Ugly effects of Humiliation.
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